things that make me go hmmmm...

I couldn't wait to start Robinson Crusoe. Oh well, reading is knowledge and knowledge is power, right?
i have a meeting with a woman who may become my second job. she's very sick and needs help around the house for a few hours a day. i'm not sure i'll commit to this job, but the money is ok, and i really need the money.
men. i hate it when men are more moody than i am. and then they make stupid rules that i have to follow. and one of the rules is: "no asking questions about the other rules". How lame is that? and then those moody men are the ones that always get annoyed when women are moody. talk about hypocrisy.
the inspection sticker is now null and void on my car. so tomorrow, amidst the winter storm "they're" calling for, i will be getting a "lick'em and stick'em" job. why not get it inspected for real? cuz my car wouldn't pass. lol
i need to call Anna, the Italian woman i "adopted" around the holidays. see if she needs her apartment cleaned.
i should be cleaning my place as i will be too busy once i take on this other job. oh well. it's going to have to wait.
at least till morning.
:(
my effort to conserve energy did little by way of reducing my bill. $208 vs $220...at least it didn't go up.
i need to buy laundry detergent. i'm out, and have been for a while now. it's a good thing i've got enough underwear, socks, and scrubs to last me at least a month and a half. lol :D
i really hate winter. just throwing that out there. unless it's at least 85 degrees (farenheit...or about 28 degrees celsius) i'm freezing.
i also really hate gaining weight. i need to resume my "no eating" habit. i was starting to look pretty good...
...besides my eyebrows. they're getting a little out of control. this is the first time since i moved that i have let them get this bad. i need a day for me.
i think that day shall be wednesday night, after youth...bubble bath w/some vino and tweezers...sounds like a freakin awesome time lol...
this post is way too longer, and way too random...i'm out now.
until tomorrow :)

Wuthering Heights...

I have finished my first book of the year. At the beginning of this, i thought i would grow bored with this book. I read it in high school and hated it. I have re-read it and have fallen in love with it. This book is definitely one i will continue reading.
i want to state for the record, that I have in no certain order: loved, loathed, detested, hoped for, had pity on, cherished, and understood Heathcliff.
He has so many qualities that you love to hate, but you can totally understand why he acts the way he does.
I loved Cathy, at the beginning and grew to hate her, especially as she went all nuts-o, but then again, i guess Heathcliff would drive anyone to that point.
i adored Edgar. absolutely adored him. he is the picture of "good husband, good father" most girls want. i also adored Hareton, but pity him more.
Joseph is irritating, and Nelly has her moments. but i really cannot stand Linton or Hareton's dad...

i would highly recommend this to anyone. however, make sure the book you're reading has a good section of "footnotes". i could have easily been lost in Joseph's speech, especially his longer dialogues.
Emily Bronte was pure genius and the world is better for this book. of this i am fully convinced. the world was robbed of her future books thanks to her dying young.

Read it! Better yourselves!! Gain a bigger vocabulary from it!!!

Corinne Bailey Rae - Paris Nights/ New York Mornings

Norah Jones - Chasing Pirates

best song to write to in a long while...the only other song that could compare would be the video below :)

Life:

Repaying my cell bill. It's gotta happen. It's gonna happen. Sucks, but i'm moving on.

In other news: i'm writing my story. it won't be all happy and flowers and hearts and sunshine, but it's mine.

that's all for now.

Oh, and i'm currently addicted to this song from Norah Jones: "Chasing Pirates". It's really great to write to :)

today: really, really sucked.

I found out that my phone bill was almost $1000. sucked isn't quite the word. First i was in hysterics, then i cried...wheezed a little (but not full blown asthma attack), had a massive pity party. Now i'm rejoining the world.
I don't know how much money i'll get back from my income taxes, but i do know that i had plans for that money. Paying off my cell bill wasn't one of them.
I am mad at myself for not thinking about Canada as "international" but considering you don't need to use a country code to call, i assumed it was normal long distance. I assumed wrong. Now i have to pay a lot of money. :(
anyways, making a game plan. i'm out.

hmmmm

So. i explained how i wanted to go shampooless and all natural right? what did i do today? i bought more shampoo and conditioner. I think this stuff will work ok for my hair. and it's much easier than going all organic lol.
Men...i could write 3234 books on the subject. Most of them would most decidedly say that they suck. maybe a few would be much fairer to the brutes.
Who knows? i certainly don't. I've thought about giving up hope. I've tried the internet dating scene. i've also tried being just about every adjective out there for girls. nice, sweet, caring, cute, sexy, confident, smart, etc etc etc. nothing seems to work.
i'm not being anyone but me. but i've tried to be something i'm not. nothing works. so...i'd like to give up hope. but there's still a twinge that something, someone great could be out there for me.
i guess us hopeless romantics can't give up the ghost that easily.
hmmmm
still can't find my bank card. my coworker we'll call him steve...he is irritating beyond belief. acts like i'm an idiotic 3 year old half the time.
and i have a headache probably from looking at this screen for so long.
oh, and i'm totally in love with Heathcliff...contemporary best sellers have nothing on literary classics!
i'm out...skyping it up with friends...then to bed for this tired mujer!

Emotions:

I do not afford myself the luxury of feeling often. But when i do, it is with great and intense overwhelming emotion and solidarity of spirit that i cry, dream, laugh, and despair. Stoicism is a vacation for a feeling heart and emotions are pleasure trips, even in sorrow, for the frozen soul.
Ah to be frozen. It is a difficult thing to explain. It is nice to not feel care, neither for the world, nor its thoughts. But when you're frozen, it's very hard to feel a part of any group. It's hard to connect with the most basic of life forms.
Sometimes i long to be made of ice and stone, i can not be hurt by others. But then i realize i am only hurting myself more.
I want to reiterate that i do not give myself the luxury of emotions too often. It isn't healthy for me to do so.
anyways, i'm out...wow, what a short post tonight!

Shampoo and Conditioner...necessary evils, or are they?

I have always had what i considered to be healthy hair. When i lived with my parents, i washed it every other day and would wash it first with a clarifying shampoo, then with a regular shampoo. I used the clarifying on recommendation of my stylist, to help remove hard water build up (sounds icky, i know). I would use the second shampoo to help with its corresponding conditioner. Sounds pretty basic. I never had a problem with dandruff.
Upon moving out, my mother gave me mega sized bottles of shampoo and conditioner. They were clarifying from a brand i normally don't buy. But hey, beggars can't be choosers, and given the cost of hair care these days, i was in no position to disregard the freebies. I still wash my hair every other day. Problem is, using a clarifying shampoo without needing to removing hard water or styling products dries hair out. And causes mild dandruff, which unfortunately i now have.
A long time ago, i was reading the ingredients of my favorite, and now discontinued scent from Bath & Body (they have a way of getting you hooked on a smell and ending it before you can stock up for the Armegeddon), and in it was "extracts from cleansing papaya". Got me thinking.
If papaya is a natural cleanser (as are orange, lemon, and grapefruit), i wonder what it would do for my hair.
Fast forward to this week. I am going to buy a few obscure things to create my own "shampoo" which will need refridgerated. Things like honey and rose hips. I am not sure if the concoction i will be making will do any good, but hey, i have plenty of clarifying shampoo to rid my hair of any ill wanted effects.
the ingredients are:
papaya, grapefruit, orange, and lemon (the juice, and zest of all three citrus), honey, milk, and an egg. I'm going to blend that until it's liquid, then i'm going to add the rose hips...

Now...conditioner. my biggest issue with this stuff has always been that it weighs my hair down, and makes it way more oily than necessary, way too fast. I have found 1 conditioner i absolutely loved. Dove foaming conditioner. Unfortunately, not enough people bought it and they pulled it from the shelves. I called the Dove company to find out why i could no longer buy it. I actually called the 1-800 # for Dove as to why i couldn't find it anywhere. That is how much i loved that conditioner.
This being said, i'm going to make my own conditioner as well. I think i'm just going to use avocado, some olive oil, and some aloe vera (like, buying a plant, and chopping a piece of it up in my blender...). and again with rose and other flower petals. The oil in avocado should help condition without adding weight.

who knows what this will do to my hair. i'm going to try it on my next day off so i have some time to play around with the results.
Here's to options :D

Books:

I will be reading a literary classic each month. I'm starting the year off with "Wuthering Heights" by Emily Bronte.
here are a few more that i have chosen, but i know i need some suggestions to fill in the gaps.
-Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. Ok this one might not be considered a classic yet...but it's great!
-Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. This is my summer read and has been since i was in highschool. funny, it never seems to get old.
-The complete collection of books by Jane Austen. I may allow 2 months for this simply because I want to read everything she wrote. it might take a while to accomplish that lol.

I need suggestions people. I need 7 more books for my list. If i've read it before, i may not choose it because it's been read, or i may choose it because it's a personal favorite.

In other news:

something is up at work...i can't put my finger on what is going on, but i do know that this change in shift times is the start to something bad. Me and a colleague of mine have felt since around Halloween that something is going to happen, and that it's not going to be a good "something".
Personally, i feel that when the crap does hit the proverbial fan, it's gonna fly...

Have i mentioned i'm looking for another job? :)

Church is going well i do believe. Friends are ok i think. Men...we won't go there.

Any ways people, let me know what books i should read this year,
Thanks!

Grrrrr.

i would assume this is natural and normal for any and all artists, no matter what form of art they create: my hands were not cooperating with me tonight. I am attempting to learn a song that my church choir has performed for Easter celebrations. It has beautiful accompaniment. I have the first page down pretty well, and almost committed to memory.
But my hands would not play nicely with each other and the piano. You readers out there might have an idea how irritating that can be, but coming from someone who has been inolved with music since i was 4, it is beyond frustrating.
I am not learning this music for anything other than my enjoyment. So i don't have a rush to get it memorized, but it wasn't even with that song. I could simply not play easy songs with guitar chords either.
Maybe it's because my hands were super cold. I don't know. i just know I didn't like the feeling of incapability i had when i sat there, trying to play simple stuff and failing at it.
Speaking of being entirely too cold...this weather needs to warm up or i will move south of the border and fast. lol.
Other than my piano related frustration...what can i say for this past week...
hmmmm
men are men. unfortunately it shouldn't excuse some of them their behavior but they will always get away with the way they act because, lo and behold...they're men.
some men are ok...the hurt they cause isn't really their fault.
i'm sort of moving out of that "needaman" phase. probably because of the first group of men i described lol.
anyways...i'm off here...skyping it up with some friends and then i'm off to bed. got to go pay bills before i go to work :(

bank card, pap-pap, dancing: guess what they have in common...

Normally, those three things wouldn't ever fit into the same sentence. Nor would these things: my seesters, Ale, my geo metro, and myself from like 8th grade.
So what do my bank card, my pap-pap, dancing, my seesters, Ale, my geo metro, Mexico, and the 8th grade version of myself have in common? I am missing them.
I have no clue where i've put my bank card. It is quite frustrating when you have no way of getting money for gas or food on the weekend. I think it is in my car. Buuuuutttttt, if any of you have seen my car lately, you would understand why i can't find it in there. It is absolutely awful.
I miss my geo metro. That was the best car. Period. Best on gas, best to drive, just the best.
Ale and Mexico are sort of in the same category, but not quite. I miss Ale, regardless of where she finds herself. We are sisters, her and I, and being separated for too long can be quite painful.
I miss Mexico because it is my home. I will always be at home in New Castle, because i was raised here, because my family is here, my friends are here. But i never feel truly at home anywhere other than Mexico.
I miss my pap-pap simply because he isn't here. I sometimes find myself at his grave, talking to myself, because all that is there is a bag of bones. He's in heaven, and i don't believe in actually talking to the dead. So i go sometimes to think out loud. I don't often do this, nor when i do, do i get things resolved. But it helps to think that i have said my thoughts, and someone actually listened. Of course i know that also happens through prayer, but idk, its just different. i wish he were here to see things happening. like Megan's and Matt's weddings, Mike and Sharr's kids, etc.
I miss my seesters for the simple fact that they are growing up and i am not there with them to be a part of their every day lives. That makes me sad, but it is a part of life i am afraid. It makes me cherish the time i do get with them, but i wish the time was more.
I miss dancing because it brings me pure joy. I know many of my church friends would not approve of dancing the tango or mambo, but the fact that i'm going to dance studios to do this and not clubs should be ok. I see no problem with dancing. I miss the effects it has on my body, on my mind. I lost a lot of weight doing nothing but dancing a few times a week. And all that physical stimulation helps oxygen flow to the brain, helping me think. I am very rusty and out of shape where dancing is concerned and that saddens me.
and lastly, I miss the 8th grade version of myself. I was madly in love with God, I had money from my summer job and no bills. I liked a guy who i think and will always believe, liked me back. I had my best friends to hang out with every weekend. The only part of that time in my life i don't miss is my parents' relationship. They fought a lot during that time. Other than that, my life was golden back then.
I'm glad i can look at these things i miss and appreciate them, not only when i'm missing them, but when they are near me (as in the case of my sisters).
I'm out :D

oy vey loneliness is really a stupid feeling...i think i should strike it from my list of emotions.

i really hate when i wake up lonely. i wake up alone every day so being lonely shouldn't really bother me, but sometimes it does. it really and truly does. especially when i go to bed thinking about how a guy will be lucky to have me someday. but of course he wasn't there when i fell asleep so i don't know if i think he should be when i wake up, or what, but that feeling of, "crap, he's still not here" shouldn't be what i wake up to.
i'm not normally in a "needaman" phase so long. usually it's a day, maybe two. not a week. i am fully fulfilled in my life. i have a fantastic family, great friends, a job, and my own place. I can cook, try to keep a clean, as in spotless can eat off the floor, clean apartment, love to read, watch a football game, go out, stay in, dance, speak spanish, watch blue collar tv. honestly, i would think some guy would see that i'm pretty much down for anything. maybe i'm not looking in the right places...i have tried the 'net. that never gets any farther than the internet, or if it does, it's only a first date...never a second or third. i've checked out most of the single guys at the hospital. half of them happen to like men. kinda kills it...and i've looked at church. there's only one guy in my age group who is single, and as far as i am concerned, he will stay single for multiple good reasons. i'm not big into the bar scene. as in i just don't go to bars. maybe i should pick up a second job as a cashier or waitress so i can meet even more men. lol...probably won't happen.
so i will continue to say this to myself: you don't need a man, you don't need a man, you're strong, independant, and beautiful. you don't need a man.
i don't know that i really believe that. but oh well...
and me being educated and smart about the cognitive process will say that most of these feelings stem from the fact that many of those around me are in some sort of relationship. my sister is married, my cousin is getting married, my friends are married, or they're dating exclusively.
it's a darn good thing i'm outgoing. i have no problem going places by myself, like dancing or out to eat. but even then, it gets lonely. and while i'm friends with my friends' husbands, its not the same when you're the third or fifth wheel.
someday, some guy is going to realize that the adventure of his life isn't in the world somewhere, waiting to be conquered, but it's right here.
oh well...i'm out to get things accomplished (like paying my rent and electric bill lol).
as in the words of cinderella...
"a dream is a wish your heart makes, when it's fast asleep. in dreams you can lose your heartaches, whatever you wish for, you keep. have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come shining through. no matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true."
words to live by...
i promise my next post won't be so full of self pity. promise promise promise.

work and other 4 letter words :(

work was AWFUL today. we did 25 + beds tonight.
let me explain: when i say we did "beds" that means discharges. When i started working afternoon turn a little over 2 years ago, an average night was anywhere between 10-15 beds. a busy night was about 18. Now, an average night is around 20 beds and busy is closer to if not more than, 30.
When we do these "beds" we have to empty the room of anything that was the discharged patient's. This includes but is not limited to: bedside commodes (which the aides are supposed to empty. sometimes they don't.), IV poles, feeding tube poles, leg machines, heating pads...and the list continues. We also take out the linens and garbage. Then we clean the bathroom, the furniture (nightstand, tray table, and chairs) and the bed. Then we make the bed, stock utensils, and mop.
try running to the trash chute 25+ times, with bags of trash, all this equipment, and then having to stop, leave all that at the door of the room with the chute so you can unlock the door. then pick it all back up again and dump all that stuff to run back to the room and clean like crazy.
it's exhausting. the worst part is that the daylight housekeepers say "25? why is that such a big deal?"
because there are only 2 of us on an afternoon shift. there are at least 5 times that many on daylight.
so yeah, work is a dirty 4 letter word.
so is snow: it's disgusting is what it is. hope it stops soon. otherwise i will probably throw up a whole lot...or run away to a tropical destination.
there are lot's of other 4 letter words. like hope, love, like, etc.
those can be good or bad...right now, i'm choosing bad lol :p
later gater's

another one is snow. what is up with all this white stuff?

tired. :(

I'm tired today. probably from not sleeping like a normal person and then working and thinking my cousin was staying a day earlier than planned...
i'm whooped. Physically i'm tired. mentally, i'm sleepy. emotionally, i'm exhausted. Yesterday (meaning sunday) spent me like none other.
it's all good now though. at least it will be soon. I don't know about any one else, but I need a vacation.
somewhere with a beach, a piña colada, and a cabana boy would be nice. although at this point i'd take 7 days holed up at home in my pj's eating pizza and ice cream all week.
well, i'll get to working on that vacation...let you know how it all pans out.
later

dot dot dot he loves me not. ok, love is a strong word. dot dot dot he likes me not. still pretty depressing i just want to add.

I'm pretty sure, that today was the worst day of 2011 so far. I am hoping that it won't get any worse.
why was it so bad? because of a 4 letter word called "hope". let me explain:
i had hope things would finally be different this time for me. I had hope that i could be enough. I had set my hopes high.
My hope failed me. things aren't really any different this time. I am not enough. My hopes fell hard.

anyway, listening to some good "hopeless romantic" music...(see "video" below).
That's right, as much as i would love to douse hope in kerosene and set it ablaze, i'm too much a romantic to do that. it's bruised, maybe a little broken, but still hanging on.
I have to believe that someday, somewhere, someone will say something to me similar to this song. I have to believe it...otherwise, i will be living a very old, lonely life.

a buffer from last nights post

i could delete the post i put up last night. i won't. i just want to say to the unknown masses that dont read this that i'm sorry. i usually have much better control over my emotions and don't usually allow that much self-pity to seep through. please forgive me.
this being said, i'm listening to "sad music". it's not my maroon5, but it will do. in about a half hour or so i am going to be really cleaning my house. my beloved cousin and his fiance will be staying with me for a few days. However, if i don't get my house cleaned i won't let them in. therefore cleaning is an absolute necessary. Then i've gotta go get a few things for them to eat. i'm used to not eating, but i'm pretty sure that would reflect negatively on my hostess skills.
again, i'm sorry for the emotional retarded outburst last night. i'm fine, i'll be fine, it's all going to be fine. at least that's the mantra i'm repeating to myself today.
till later

men. :(

some men suck big time
some men rock a lot
and the ones that are worst of all are the ones that refuse to realize that things could really work out for them.
don't ask. i'm not telling. i just know that i'm not happy right now. i'm sad, and hurt, and wishing i were confused cuz then things would be easier. i could blame whatever it is i'm feeling on the "not knowing". sadly, that's not the case.
it's not every day you can have a real connection w/someone, someone you can talk to about anything. someone you've talked to about everything.
but to experience that and to hear that person say, "it's not gonna work out between us...i'd rather we just stay friends then try this thing out..."
it's simply devastating.
its excruciatingly frustrating.
it makes me want to cry and scream and then cry some more. or eat a pint of ice cream.
right now, i think i'll just go for the crying bit. (can't really scream w/o waking the neighbor).
so yeah...some men are great, but suck a bunch because they let you know how great they are and then take all that away from you.
sick thing is, i couldn't imagine life in any form without them. so if it kills me to remain friends and friends only, i will.
i'd rather some men just wake up and realize that it's a small world and distance is only as short or long as you let it be.

what do i know? i know that at the current rate of my life, i will end up an old maid. stuck in a job i despise, by myself. i won't end up the crazy cat lady simply because i won't have the patience for the cats. normally this doesn't bother me. tonight this bothers me a whole lot. things could be different. but i dont know how to make them different, make them work in my favor.

stupid stinking rotten men.

ugh.