dot dot dot he loves me not. ok, love is a strong word. dot dot dot he likes me not. still pretty depressing i just want to add.

I'm pretty sure, that today was the worst day of 2011 so far. I am hoping that it won't get any worse.
why was it so bad? because of a 4 letter word called "hope". let me explain:
i had hope things would finally be different this time for me. I had hope that i could be enough. I had set my hopes high.
My hope failed me. things aren't really any different this time. I am not enough. My hopes fell hard.

anyway, listening to some good "hopeless romantic" music...(see "video" below).
That's right, as much as i would love to douse hope in kerosene and set it ablaze, i'm too much a romantic to do that. it's bruised, maybe a little broken, but still hanging on.
I have to believe that someday, somewhere, someone will say something to me similar to this song. I have to believe it...otherwise, i will be living a very old, lonely life.

a buffer from last nights post

i could delete the post i put up last night. i won't. i just want to say to the unknown masses that dont read this that i'm sorry. i usually have much better control over my emotions and don't usually allow that much self-pity to seep through. please forgive me.
this being said, i'm listening to "sad music". it's not my maroon5, but it will do. in about a half hour or so i am going to be really cleaning my house. my beloved cousin and his fiance will be staying with me for a few days. However, if i don't get my house cleaned i won't let them in. therefore cleaning is an absolute necessary. Then i've gotta go get a few things for them to eat. i'm used to not eating, but i'm pretty sure that would reflect negatively on my hostess skills.
again, i'm sorry for the emotional retarded outburst last night. i'm fine, i'll be fine, it's all going to be fine. at least that's the mantra i'm repeating to myself today.
till later

men. :(

some men suck big time
some men rock a lot
and the ones that are worst of all are the ones that refuse to realize that things could really work out for them.
don't ask. i'm not telling. i just know that i'm not happy right now. i'm sad, and hurt, and wishing i were confused cuz then things would be easier. i could blame whatever it is i'm feeling on the "not knowing". sadly, that's not the case.
it's not every day you can have a real connection w/someone, someone you can talk to about anything. someone you've talked to about everything.
but to experience that and to hear that person say, "it's not gonna work out between us...i'd rather we just stay friends then try this thing out..."
it's simply devastating.
its excruciatingly frustrating.
it makes me want to cry and scream and then cry some more. or eat a pint of ice cream.
right now, i think i'll just go for the crying bit. (can't really scream w/o waking the neighbor).
so yeah...some men are great, but suck a bunch because they let you know how great they are and then take all that away from you.
sick thing is, i couldn't imagine life in any form without them. so if it kills me to remain friends and friends only, i will.
i'd rather some men just wake up and realize that it's a small world and distance is only as short or long as you let it be.

what do i know? i know that at the current rate of my life, i will end up an old maid. stuck in a job i despise, by myself. i won't end up the crazy cat lady simply because i won't have the patience for the cats. normally this doesn't bother me. tonight this bothers me a whole lot. things could be different. but i dont know how to make them different, make them work in my favor.

stupid stinking rotten men.

ugh.

run run run, never get anything done...

So, I have been a running machine for what feels like an eternity. I'm in class in butler and cranberry Pa. I still work in new castle, and now I'm back into ballroom dancing (oh how i've missed it) in cleveland, oh.
Why all the running? because if I don't get out of this new castle slump that affects everyone who lives here i will end up going crazy.
I'm most excited to tell you all about the ballroom dancing. This past friday, I went (by myself, of course), to Cleveland, OH and was greeted by a bunch of super nice, middle aged people. I had a blast. I foxtrotted, waltzed, cha-cha'd, rumbaa'd, salsa'd, swung, and hustled. Throw in a few line dances and my night was complete. I did not tango, which is something i know how to do (i could do all of them but the hustle before I went), but maybe this friday i'll tango.
One thing I will most definitely have to invest in are some real dance shoes cuz all my heels are sort of stretched out.
Seriously though, I have missed dancing so so so much.
Even with all this running like crazy, I still feel like I'm not truly accomplishing anything. Oh well, I guess you win some, you lose some.

feelings

To say i'm not really a communicator would be an understatement. I hate talking about myself and therefore will do everything in my power to get out of talking about me.
sometimes however, i really wish i could just explain to ppl how i truly feel. take tonight for instance. i so badly wanted to tell somebody, anybody, just how lonely i felt. i know having a significant other in my life won't make me a "whole" person, but sometimes it sure feels that way.
i would love to find love. i know we all want that, but goodness i haven't even had "like". ever. as in no one likes me, and sometimes i feel like no one ever will. while i am pretty good with me being single for the rest of my life most of the time, tonight i just wanted to go home to somebody. but alas, i came home to an empty apartment. maybe one day my prince charming will come, but i wish that day were today...
im done now.
see ya'll in a while...
mandy